Second marriages are nothing to be ashamed of and have every right to be celebrated. After all, life happens: It might be that a spouse has passed away, that your circ*mstances change, or that you simply fall out of love and realize that the best decision for each of you is to be happy with other people.If you found love again and are ready to tie the knot, don't shy away from hosting a celebration. Instead, look at this time as a second chance and a new start for happiness.
Thinking about hosting a ceremony and reception for your second marriage? We're here to help. Often, couples have a number of questions about a second wedding: Do you still wear white? Can you have another huge party? To help set the record straight and ensure you plan with confidence, we're sharing our best wedding planning tips for second marriages and etiquette advice you need to know.
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Wedding Planning Tips for Second Marriages
The truth is, your second wedding can be whatever you want it to be—you can keep it small and intimate or go all-out with a celebration attended by everyone you love. You can wear traditional wedding attire or you can opt for something a bit more casual. Ultimately, the options are as endless as your imagination.
As you start planning, here are some tips to keep in mind.
Make the Celebration as Big or as Small as You Want
Most of the advice you'll read about weddings for second marriage will tell you to keep the celebration small and intimate. If that's your preference, then do just that—some people don't feel the need to go through all of the fuss a second time. If, however, you want to have a blow-out bash, then there's no reason not to invite everyone you love to celebrate this marriage! It's still your wedding, so if you want a big party packed with all the traditional elements, you should have it.
Rethink Traditional Family Roles
One of the great things about having a second wedding is you'll likely feel freer to mix things up some more, including incorporating your family in new and meaningful ways. If your father has already walked you down the aisle once, for example, you might want to skip that and opt for a family sand ceremony instead or incorporate some of his favorite music into the festivities.
If either (or both!) of you have kids, a second wedding offers plenty of opportunities for them to participate in the ceremony. As flower girls, bridesmaids, or groomsmen, sharing readings during the ceremony, and even walking one of you down the aisle—there are so many ways the two of you can include your children in a heartfelt and meaningful way.
And if one of you has had a spouse pass away, there are a number of meaningful ways to incorporate them into your second marriage (assuming that feels like the right thing to do). We like the idea of including simple words of remembrance in a ceremony program, having a mutual family member or friend share a blessing on their behalf, including one of their favorite poems or passages as a ceremony reading, or having cherished family photos on display. Whatever you do, don’t be afraid to include their memory if you want to.
Relax Some Formalities
If you felt like you had to adhere to every wedding tradition during your first celebration, you may be inclined to inject a bit more personality into this celebration. Some ways to do just that? Choose a more low-key reception venue, celebrate with a daytime wedding, or choose more fun entertainment. Of course, if you'd prefer everything to be traditional, that’s perfectly fine, too—what’s so amazing is that the choice is totally yours.
Writing your own vows is a great way to make your second wedding unique and really put your stamp on it.
Consider Your Guests
Depending on which direction you choose to go with your second wedding, you may also want to consider relaxing some of the formalities related to guests. Keep in mind any expectations you placed on them for your last wedding: Destination weddings are a lot of fun, but if guests paid thousands of dollars for a tropical wedding just a few years ago, it might not be fair to have them do it again already. It will feel that much more unique if this wedding doesn’t completely mirror your first wedding, so make sure they're special in their own way.
Wear Anything You Want
Want to wear a classic white wedding dress? Go for it! Love the idea of walking down the aisle in a colorful tuxedo? Great! Planning to change your attire every hour, on the hour, throughout the celebration? Amazing! The point is, what you and your soon-to-be spouse choose to wear during this celebration is entirely up to the two of you. If you feel more comfortable in a pantsuit or more casual wear, that’s great; if not, then go with something that feels like a better fit. You’re starting a life with someone and you want to do it authentically—so wear what feels right to you.
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Wedding Etiquette for Second Marriages
When it comes to second weddings, here are some frequently asked etiquette questions and answers from an expert.
Should You Have a Wedding Registry?
You may have heard otherwise, but the answer is actually yes, you absolutely can create a wedding registry for a second marriage. “Even if you specify that you do not want gifts, there will still be family members or friends who want to buy you something to mark the occasion, so you might as well help them find something you’ll love and use,” says wedding planner Amy Nichols. “Focus on things you really need and want. If you’ve already established a home, skip the basics like bakeware or pots and pans. Use this as a time to select new china, new everyday dishes, or something else that is important to you.”
Meet the Expert
Amy Nichols is a California-based wedding planner with more than a decade of experience and the owner of Amy Nichols Special Events.
You can also create an alternative registry if that feels like a more appropriate option. “Sites like Zola allow you to register for experiences or larger-ticket items for ‘group gifting,’ and stores like REI and Restoration Hardware also have registries.” If you’re in the market for home improvement items or would love new gear for your camping honeymoon, think outside the big box stores.
Can You Ask for Money Instead?
“Whether it is your first wedding or your fourth, you should never ask for money,” says Nichols. At least not outright, that is. “There are couples who truly only want to receive money," the expert adds, "and the best way to get this message across would be by word of mouth or by using a cash fund registry site.”
Should We Invite Our Exes and Their Families to the Wedding?
“Generally my advice would be no unless situations are such that you are still very friendly and close with your former spouse and/or his or her family members,” says Nichols. “In the event that your second marriage is after the death of your previous spouse, I think inviting your deceased spouse’s family is a very nice gesture. Just know that it might be a hard situation for them and that they may not attend.”
Ultimately, whether or not you invite your exes and/or their family members depends on the nature of your relationship with your former spouse as well as how long ago your previous marriage was. “For most couples, I think the answer here would be no,” Nichols concludes.
Can We Have a Wedding Shower or Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties?
This is a trickier one. “In my opinion, if it is the bride's first wedding, yes, you can have a shower or a bachelorette party. If it is the bride's second wedding, in theory, she would already have many of the things ‘needed’ for starting adult life in her own home, such as pots and pans, etc.—which are some of the most common shower gifts,” Nichols explains.
Of course, many couples choose to get new housewares to reflect their new relationship and marriage. “Feel your friends and family out on this one,” says Nichols. “If someone is offering to host a celebration for you and everyone is enthusiastic about the idea, it’s okay to have a shower. I just would recommend keeping the guest list on the smaller side.”
Can We Have a Religious Ceremony?
“This is something you ultimately should decide together as a couple and with your clergy person,” says Nichols. “Every religion is different in terms of what is considered respectful and acceptable when it comes to second marriages.” Know that some faiths may be opposed to having a religious ceremony for your second marriage—and may not allow you to hold the wedding in a house of worship.
Are There Any Wedding Traditions We Should Skip?
This is totally up to you. “Some traditions might be really important to you, like toasts and a first dance,” Nichols says. “Others might feel trite, like a bouquet or garter toss. Include the traditions that feel meaningful to you, and skip the rest.”
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